Grad school

I didn't get the internship in Cleveland but I'm actually alright with it. I thought I'd be more upset about it, but I think this is the universe telling me that something else is coming up. Probably more news-y. 

And I'm still really excited about grad school. I still have three applications to submit. Two of them are coming up at the very beginning of January and one in February. It's a little crazy doing all of this writing all of a sudden. I have a lot of self-reflecting to do. It's all kind of similar prompts but still makes you think about yourself. 

We'll see what happens.

The universe works in weird ways...

The "thanks but no thanks" from the White House was so long and drawn out that I wasn't upset that I applied in April, was on the waitlist by May/June, and then notified I was still on the waitlist through September, and then not accepted the last days of October. 

They said they would place us by mid September at the latest, so in my head I was like, "Obviously I'm not in DC, can you just give me the official notice?"

I didn't pursue other opportunities because I was really hopeful the photo office would take an intern. I actually don't know if they took one but I'd like to think the internship spots were taken by prelaw students who are into politics and the WH had no room for a photo intern. But I don't know.

Anyway, the universe is strange.

Just before the White House emailed me I had decided to apply to grad school. And the applications are stressful. I just feel like I'm underqualified in certain areas - but that's why I'm going back to school - so I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. 

So I'm basically dedicating all of my time to these grad school applications or photographing random stuff and doing a job application here or there. 

Someone called me back.

I probably shouldn't be this excited to be going through an interview process but after so much radio silence from internship and job leads it was like, and is like, weird that I keep getting passed though to next steps. 

The people who I've been emailing and interviewing with are so nice. It's one of those interviews that you get off the phone and you're like, "Wow, that was a good conversation," and not like, "Oh my god, I could hear in their voice they hated my answers." 

I said stuff that I probably wouldn't have in other interviews but I don't regret it. I'd rather put it all on the table and know that I told them everything I was concerned about and if those are deal breakers then... I guess it wasn't meant to be. 

I'm not going to lie though, I want this internship. The thought of cleaning, packing up and moving to Cleveland in about 10-15 days is a little stressful, but I like it.

So the world was static for a year and then all of a sudden, BOOM. Possibilities. 

Fingers crossed. 

Buried in applications

I've been doing lots of writing for applications. And lots of self-reflection while trying to write.

I had the biggest epiphany on Tuesday:

For the last year I've heard derivatives of, "You don't have the experience we need, so we don't have a position to offer to you."

And I've managed to get it in my brain as this:

"Because you have nothing to show for yourself, you have no value to us. You are worthless."

How messed up is that?

And since that realization, I am able to look at these applications like, sure, I don't have the writing and video experience everyone is looking for. But that's exactly why I'm going back to school. Because I want to learn and continue following the dream. I also like learning but that's not the point. 

Even as I type it out that sounds like the most obvious thing but I was blocked by this idea of like... how am I supposed to white about how amazing I am when I don't feel amazing?

I feel better that I am able to give myself a pep talk again and another example of me being my harshest critic. People say that about themselves all the time, but come on, what did you just read? Am I right?

Berkeley is due on the 1st and 3/4 of my recommenders haven't turned in their letters after the invitation, two reminders and an email from me. Just panicking over here.