Fears

I don't know if I've just realized this or I'm now willing to admit to people that I'm scared. I'm afraid of failing at projects or approaching an important subject but executing the production poorly and the results are painful, and I will have lost that important story or whatever and ruined it. 

This is a lot of why I do a lot of talking about video and very little doing. I'm not very good at self-motivating when I'm not passionate about something. So making videos or photo projects to practice but the subjects are painfully uninteresting to me seems... disingenuous? Especially if I'm creating them for portfolio reasons. 

I think a lot of the creative block I'm having is I'm having a hard time finding stories in my life. I do the same things, everyday, while waiting for this response about the internship (yes, the same dream opportunity, but that's an entirely different post) and it's killing my creativity. 

I know I just have to dive in and find something to talk about. When inspiration strikes I need to run with it. 

I photographed granola and one of the photos is up on my studio page but it was a lot of work compared to shooting in the studio with lights. I know that sounds really obvious, but waiting for somewhat good natural light in my house and then I recruiting my sister Sophie to be assistant and hold a crystal bowl and flashlight to make a cucoloris while I stood on a stool and chair over our wobbly table is much more frustrating than I thought it would be. 

Having this vision of the way I would want to light the granola - the angle of light and intensity, etc. - was mostly out of my control besides the flashlight Sophie was holding.

I need to get over myself and my fears because life is passing me by.

Keeping busy

I helped (mostly hung out and sometimes held a reflector) a husband-wife wedding photography team on Wednesday. It was really nice and they were very welcoming. I appreciated the advice and honesty they gave me about my life and how to plan it, or not.

It's endlessly entertaining to hear stories about how photographers got to where they are and their anecdotes from a "different time." I am always happily amused and then immediately saddened that many photographers started out as photojournalists and are now happy doing some other photography... I hope I too can find a way to stay true to my passions if I don't end up in news. 

Tomorrow I'm going to try to do some food photography. My sister is going to play chef and food stylist so we'll see if we get to the photo stage. 

Looking around, jumping in

I'm still waiting to see how one internship application shakes out. But in the meantime I need to be doing something to get me moving forward. 

I'm at a place right now that doing a project for someone else or for a cause motivates me a little more than if I'm doing projects for myself. I'm in a static place in my personal life and that's spilling into my self-assigned projects. 

I heard about a freelancing opportunity near my hometown. A local paper needs photographers to help cover graduations and maybe freelance after that. I made contact with the photo editor and am supposed to speak with him tomorrow. 

I'm nervous and excited. I hope they can use me.