Buried in applications

I've been doing lots of writing for applications. And lots of self-reflection while trying to write.

I had the biggest epiphany on Tuesday:

For the last year I've heard derivatives of, "You don't have the experience we need, so we don't have a position to offer to you."

And I've managed to get it in my brain as this:

"Because you have nothing to show for yourself, you have no value to us. You are worthless."

How messed up is that?

And since that realization, I am able to look at these applications like, sure, I don't have the writing and video experience everyone is looking for. But that's exactly why I'm going back to school. Because I want to learn and continue following the dream. I also like learning but that's not the point. 

Even as I type it out that sounds like the most obvious thing but I was blocked by this idea of like... how am I supposed to white about how amazing I am when I don't feel amazing?

I feel better that I am able to give myself a pep talk again and another example of me being my harshest critic. People say that about themselves all the time, but come on, what did you just read? Am I right?

Berkeley is due on the 1st and 3/4 of my recommenders haven't turned in their letters after the invitation, two reminders and an email from me. Just panicking over here.

Is this blog personal or journalism related?

I find myself writing both personal and professional content here. I haven't quite figured out if I want this to be an occasional diary or status updates. 

I am allowing myself to diverge from the main topic and eventually make it back around. I don't feel the need to editing myself. 

Personal and professional are related in some cases. Currently, I am not working for an organization so the creative work I produce is for myself. 

On that note, I don't have a deep need to make pictures of squirrels but it's something I'm doing to get out and about. 

View fullsize

View fullsize

So these are the three that I've shared with various people or social media. 

Grad school

I am applying to graduate schools. Specifically master of journalism or similar programs.

I feel like there were some things I missed or could have gotten more experience in some areas. I really do want to become the best journalist I can be - who doesn't want to learn more about what they're obsessed with? 

I'm looking for something that has a "solid foundation" to start, like where everyone goes through the same reporting classes and curriculum. But I'm also looking for a program that either has concentrations like photojournalism, or has a strong multimedia emphasis that encourages journalists to incorporate one or more specialized skills into their study. 

I didn't plan on applying to graduate school. I was going to go out into the world and work! And then I was going to apply anyway. But then stuck with my original, graduate and out into the workforce I go! Now here we are.

I didn't take the GRE (or plan on it) because there were some programs that didn't need it. And I liked them. But the more research I did into programs that did need a score for the application, I realized I should just take the test so I can apply anywhere. 

I signed up for the GRE, maybe 10 days ago, and took it this morning. So here's my reasoning for being insane. Many deadlines are the beginning of December. You can only take the GRE every 20-something days - it's like 21 or 28 - so if I take it now and totally screw up, I have maybe one more chance to take it in November. I'd at least have an unofficial score or something if I needed it. 

I don't think it was terrible though. I have my unofficial scores for verbal and math from today. The next four weeks will be rife with applications, essays and probably some stress crying.