Any job?

I'm still job hunting. Applications, thoughts about applications, or what I can do to make myself more diverse/skilled/practiced/whatever consume my brain everyday.

Some days it feels like the entire day was dedicated to worrying myself sick about finding a job. Other days I think about it for maybe 20 minutes like one to three times a day. Sometimes I cry because all I want to do is good work that matters to someone and I don't have the resources or platform.

But then I find the "perfect" job or internship and get excited about applying again. I am part of a visual journalists group on Facebook that I was added to after meeting photographers at AAJA. They post jobs and internships and this is where I found an NPR internship for the visuals team as a photo editor. Doesn't that sound like the perfect job?

It's an amazing opportunity to learn from the people who are helping to mold the next generation of journalists - me! How? Sure we listen to NPR, grew up on it. But in school we studied it. In my own life, I studied public radio the most in my Ethics of Mass Media class. Listening to "All Things Considered" or "This American Life" and then weighing in on the ethics of the topic of their stories, or how we would have approached reporting, a retraction, etc. differently. I researched the ethics of publishing extraordinary photographs and cited an "All Things Considered" broadcast about the ethics of photojournalism. These are the people we are modeling ourselves after. Learning what to do and what not to do by their example. It's a big deal internship.

So thinking about jobs 24/7 has me on a rollercoaster thinking, do I just take any job in the field of journalism that comes my way? At what point will I have been out of school too long to be considered for jobs, but still have no "professional" line on my resume? I still refuse to settle. I am not so desperate yet, and I am extremely fortunate that I have this luxury, that I am ready/willing to wait tables to fill my time or put food on the table.

So I am blind with stubbornness and wading through the endless callings for PR assistants and social media interns, feeling my way towards that journalism job.

Mental health

I think I'm pretty open about my health and mental health. But I'm realizing that I'm open about the past. It's hard to see you're going through something when you're in the thick of it. And then talking about it when it's raw... well that is tough. 

I am not going to lie - the last six years have been quite a rollercoaster. But I'm proud of where I am and how I got here. I think these experiences have lead me to I feel more and I'm open to feeling more.

I'm not going to paraphrase Gary Colby's philosophy of photography correctly, but he says photography informs everything and everything informs photography. So for example (kind of), a historical event happens and someone photographs it. The photo runs front-page and the world takes some sort of action. Alright. A person lived through that historical event and now sees the world differently and consciously or subconsciously takes that experience into account when photographing - different angles, lighting choices, timing, etc. I did not explain that well, but I agree with the idea. 

I would like to think I'm empathetic, a concerned citizen, sensitive but resilient and aggressive. These could be character traits that I've picked up or cultivated along the way, but I think it still holds true to this idea. Things have happened to me and now I am who I am. Right? I bring these to my assignments. When I'm out in the field photographing, I make choices because of things I know or experienced, or how I feel the situation needs to be approached. We all make different calls.

So back to health. I have been pretty down about the job hunt. I am refusing to settle. I think I'm being realistic about what I'm qualified for, so it's not like I'm trying to walk onto the photo staff of Nat Geo, but I think for some of the applications I put out I was qualified. And some I was a little bit under-qualified, but you never know. Maybe they will look at someone who doesn't have two years of professional experience. If I'm only missing that requirement... You never know.

I'm rambling. So I am deeply upset about the current status of my employment. However, it's only making me hungrier. I'm not sure if it's a healthy hunger, but I'm going to take advantage of it until I figure it out. 

On that note, I've decided to go back to therapy. You can only dump so much of your job search frustrations on your friends and family before they're sick of you.

So here's the point. I realized something about health and suffering and the correlation it has to my art and passion. I think the more I want to ignore my health and happiness, the more I want to work on random projects. Or not random projects. It's like uncomfortable procrastination - but productive. 

Why have I been doing so much food photography lately? So I can feel like I'm doing something productive without crying in front of my computer while searching JournalismJobs or wherever. 

I also think that when I'm on the other end of the spectrum, happy and obsessed with what I'm doing, I'm productive in arts and passions too. So maybe it's not so much sad = work, but I think maybe it's being numb prevents me from doing work. 

I want to get back into feeling excited. And working hard. So let's keep hustling through this rough patch until I get to show someone how hard I can work. 

THE job

Since I found a direction in life I've talked about being a daily shooter at a newspaper in a (big) city. That's like the dream job right now. I want to be in the trenches. Throw me out there. 

BUT I've been waiting around on this internship. Alright, it's the White House. And I didn't want to jinx it so I was doing everything I could to talk about it without naming it. You know? But they have a Photo Office and I interviewed with them and then there was nothing but silence for like two months and I am now on the waitlist. Possibly until September when it starts.

And I've always said I would apply to a job whole-heartedly if something equal or better came around while I was waiting. But like... is there really something better than the White House?

Then the "San Francisco Chronicle" is looking for a photographer. Looking at the description, this is THE job I've been talking about while describing what I want to do. So it's like, crap, maybe there is something out there.

My sister verbally slapped me when I said I wasn't sure if I should apply because of the WH and I would still like to improve my DSLR video skills, *(insert excuse, excuse, excuse), but this is an awesome opportunity. They still have a photo staff. They care about their visuals and the quality of them. I want to be a part of that. 

So I applied. I'm pretty excited. I had kind of given up the dream of being a shooter. I thought I was going to have to do something else in the media and then shoot personal projects.

But if I can be out with the stories and the people - that would be the dream. I have this weird... almost jealousy or envy of the photographers who have the opportunity to run towards danger to cover stories. I think it's like, I want to be that person so badly that it hurts. And they're so composed. In all senses, you know? Their photographs are thoughtful and framed well, the timing is good, and all I can think about is how crazy the atmosphere must be - how professional and focused and determined do they feel? And if I were in that place, would I feel totally thrilled and dialed in on my job?

I want to be that photographer. I ache to be.