I've been doing lots of writing for applications. And lots of self-reflection while trying to write.

I had the biggest epiphany on Tuesday:

For the last year I've heard derivatives of, "You don't have the experience we need, so we don't have a position to offer to you."

And I've managed to get it in my brain as this:

"Because you have nothing to show for yourself, you have no value to us. You are worthless."

How messed up is that?

And since that realization, I am able to look at these applications like, sure, I don't have the writing and video experience everyone is looking for. But that's exactly why I'm going back to school. Because I want to learn and continue following the dream. I also like learning but that's not the point. 

Even as I type it out that sounds like the most obvious thing but I was blocked by this idea of like... how am I supposed to white about how amazing I am when I don't feel amazing?

I feel better that I am able to give myself a pep talk again and another example of me being my harshest critic. People say that about themselves all the time, but come on, what did you just read? Am I right?

Berkeley is due on the 1st and 3/4 of my recommenders haven't turned in their letters after the invitation, two reminders and an email from me. Just panicking over here.